It is easy to be sad because you don’t need to remember anything to be sad at something, the sad feeling simply stays in your system because you are used to sad feelings and you don’t need to justify them like you would an angry feeling. That is, it is hard to be angry if you don’t know why you should be angry. You need to be able to logically justify your own feelings. But I think the sad is going to dominate (a person’s emotion) because no one has enough energy to be upset and angry for very long. When you are upset and angry your tone is louder, you are moving faster and more agitated like, you are more aggressive and looking for retribution. Anger and agitation almost need something to take vengeance on, while sadness you don’t attribute to someone else causing it.
- Mark Pettinelli, Angry, Upset and Depressed
Defeated, misunderstood, unloved, insecurities… There is so much to be angry about. However, it is true what Pettinelli said, we don’t have enough energy to be constantly angry at world. It is exhausting trying to figure out who to be angry at and why I deserve to be angry. I just feel sad. I don’t need to justify why I am sad. I don’t need to remember why I am sad. But when something remind me of these feeling of defeated, misunderstood, unloved, ugly… it’s all coming back to me the wave of emotions and pain. And I get angry, often disproportionately, at the wrong person.
Until I forget the anger. And I just label that as PMS, dramatic turet or another grey’s anatomy episode.
What other options are there to deal with being unconsciously sad than being a drama queen? Perhaps I can fight back against all these wrong things in my life. I can be one of those “save the cheerleader, save the world” heroes. But look at all the heroes movies, The Dark Knight, Spiderman, X-men. None of them are happy too. I think mainly because when you fight back you will have to live with that fear that the world is “unsaveable”. Just like Mr Incredibles said it, “No matter how many times you save the world, it always manages to get back in jeopardy again. Sometimes I just want it to stay saved! You know, for a little bit? I feel like the maid; I just cleaned up this mess! Can we keep it clean for… for ten minutes!”
Well, another option would be just to numb the feeling. Living life like Karen Walker “Gosh, I don’t think that I’ve ever been stressed out. Why would I be? I’ve got practically no responsibilities, my job’s a breeze and I’ve got a KILLER rack”; or like Homer Simpson “Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try” ; or like men “stop being such a girl” (okay, sorry for the gender stereotyping bit). But again, it doesn’t seem to be a viable option for me. I can’t afford to constantly pay for Jack Daniels’ company like Karen does, I can’t get out of trouble like cartoon character does and I certainly can’t pee standing and numb my emotions (apparently I am not really that sorry about the gender stereotyping thing).
So what other option do I have? Well, I can always way too much TV series and write blogs about being sad. I can also try to learn about myself. I mean the fact is, I don’t know who I am. Most of the time I put my feeling in the back door of my heart, now I am so afraid of opening it. It feels like I have a pandora box here in my chest. When I am sad, I can learn about me. I can open that can, one worm at a time – and I can see the person on the base of the can. What she wants out of life and what she scares of.
“The best thing for being sad,” replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, “is to learn something. That’s the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then—to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn.”
—T.H. White, The Once and Future King
What do I learn about me today? That drama is my way of coping with bigger sadness in life.
Or all these explanation is just me being all drama queen again?
Melanie Melbourne 12 October 2008
I agree with a lot that you’re saying here. Anger can only last for so long before you get tired of it. Tired of thinking so hard about how much you hate something or someone, tired of feeling such an overwhelming mixture of emotions. And when it all ends, it leaves you at your most vulnerable, with an aftertaste of sadness.
Sadness allows you to be lethargic, to mope around, to be tired, to cry. You don’t have to be tough to be sad, rather the opposite. Sadness makes it okay to be weak, which isn’t something one usually aspires to be. Sadness is… comfortable. And that’s why some of us hang around with it for so long.