Oreo

 

I am always curious. What will happen if you just try to write something when you don’t really have anything on your mind? But then, I think… is it possible not to have anything on your mind? Seriously, like complete blank? Let me try…. 

Okay, at first, I always imagine this blue background with lots of cartoon cloud. Then, I sorta tell my brain “blank! Think blank!” then my brain manage to focus on white background. White blank thought. WAIT!!!! White? Why does it have to be white? I mean you can have a blank black background or blank blue or blank red. Why do I think blank means white? Hmm…

Okay… No thinking. I am just going to keep a colourless blank thought… You know what? I am hungry. I sooo need a midnight snack, like oreo with milk, hehehehe…. But, no! I can’t. If I ate oreo now, it will all goes to my thighs and belly and everyone will look at me with disgust and I’ll never get married and I’ll die alone. So no oreo 😦 Seriously, if people have devil and angel on their conscience, I have atkins versus oprah. Atkins would say “no carbs, no sugar you fatso” and Oprah would argue “don’t let yourself be dictated by unrealistic standard of beauty imposed by the society” kinda thing. I bet if I am about to kill someone, atkins would say, “great way to burn calories!”. They really are like two small people on my shoulders. I wonder which one is the devil and which one is the angel? Which one wear the black or red robe with trisula and which one wears white? WAIT!!!! Angel wears white? Why does angel have to wear white? Who starts this whole idea that angel must wear white? Why is “goodness” associated with white? Of all colours, why white? Hmmm…

Anyway, let’s just go back to not thinking. Blank thought. Blank. Hold on!! I say blank… in English. I just realised I think in English! Why am I thinking in English?? It’s not even my first language! Okay let’s try to think in Indonesian. But why should I? Does my nationality suppose to dictate the way I think? But if I think in english, is it really a form of freedom or I am subconsciously being dictated by the dominant white culture. WAIT!!!! Why did I say white again? English is the national language for Singapore and Philippines too. Why do I relate english to being white? Hmmmm…

You know what? This whole not thinking is not working well. I might just grab the oreo. It’s only white on the inside 😉

Melanie
Melbourne, 21 September 2008 

This post is an attempt to make a light humor out of how I feel that the world is being white-washed. I sometime feel that the world is not meeting in the middle. Multiculturalism only goes so far as “I’d listen to your culture as long as you can explain your culture in my language and in a way that I can understand”. People need to speak in particular (read: white) literary, economic, political and pop-culture language in order to be considered smart, to have friends, to have “career” and to earn your damn living .

Many people told me not to make a dichotomy between white and non-white (in whispery conspiratorial tone: “that’s racist”). But in my (could be racist) eyes, that is the way the world works. I have to master in English like it’s my mother tongue – just to get basic job. I have to be acquainted with western literary, art, philosophy, economy and latest hollywood gossip, so I can be understood, so I can tell my story in a language that the world understand.

But learning the languages takes all of me, there is basically any left to have the story I want to tell to the world. We have so many variations: oreo, coconut, banana. But in the end, it’s all white on the inside. (Melanie – 12 October 2008)

Belajar Menulis

This page is basically a documentation of me learning to write. See I always love to express my emotion (ps: I am a drama queen) and everyone around me will testify that I constantly talk to express myself. I feel comfortable talking. Unfortunately I am not quite so good at writing because of two reasons:

1. writing makes me self aware
2. I find it more difficult to transfer emotion as I write compare to as I speak
3. I am not quite adept with writing in English

Hmm, that’s three reason… Apparently I am not good at math either 🙂

Why do i want to be good at writing? Let’s go with another three reasons:

1. I am inherently greedy and want to be good at everything
2. I like when I read something and think “I know how that feels, I understand that!!!” and I thought it would be great to create the same feeling.
3. Although I put this last, I think this is the biggest reason… I just want to leave a footprint. If “I think, therefore I am”, I want what I think to leave a mark. See, few years ago I still hold on to my childhood belief that I will win Nobel prize and that will be my mark. Now, I am not sure that I will anymore. But this is not a sad thing. I just realised I have yet found who I am and I am not sure I will. Now I am just enjoying the journey of trying to figure it out. In case in the end of the journey I still haven’t figure that out, I want to share the worry, joy and passion of me going through it – and by it I mean my erratic and confusing thought. I have this fear that noone will hear me and it wold be too easy to forget my existence.

I guess I just want to be remembered. Why? For me no one said it better than Frederick Buechner..

“When you remember me, it means that you have carried something of who I am with you, that I have left some mark of who I am on who you are. It means that you can summon me back to your mind even though countless years and miles may stand between us. It means that if we meet again, you will know me. It means that even after I die, you can still see my face and hear my voice and speak to me in your heart. 
For as long as you remember me, I am never entirely lost. When I’m feeling most ghost-like, it is your remembering me that helps remind me that I actually exist. When I’m feeling sad, it’s my consolation. When I’m feeling happy, it’s part of why I feel that way.” 

Finally, I would love to hear any comments you might have on my writing. Again I have three reasons why (I am a bit crazy about “three reasons why”).

1. Because I am quite narcissistic – I love hearing anything about myself (good or bad). 
2. Because if there’s plenty of comments, this blog wouldn’t look too sad
3. Because I believe that the best way to communicate is to share how you think on how I think…. (see number 1)