Poems

My Weird Feeling

 

Have you had one of those days
Where it feels like you’re breathing against the worry in your chest
You opened your eyes against the tears your eyelids
You talk against the nausea in your stomach
You walk against the defeated feeling in all of your bones

Some people would want those worry, tears, nausea to go away
Me?
I just want to define it
Was it sadness? Dissapointment? Fear? 
Should I know what is it, I might be able to talk myself out of it…

Life doesn’t stop
People still walk and talk and write and run in a rush
Me?
I need to keep up
I need to imitate people who walk, talk, write and run in a rush
Because life doesn’t stop
I don’t stop

The drama queen in me says that
I’ll either fall or explode or puke or cease to exist
The realist in me knows that
Tomorrow, I’ll jump or laugh or dance
Because I haven’t lose the spirit
I just want a rest and feel sorry for myself

Today I just have to scream
Against….
I don’t even know against what

Melanie
Melbourne, 5 October 2008 

few days later I discover what this feeling is about. It is the feeling of needing to stop struggling to be who you want to be because you’re scared that “who you want to be” is just bigger than you. This is the feeling of being “defeated” and tired knowing that tomorrow you should tell yourself to rise above that feeling and go back struggling. (Melanie – 12 October 2008)

Apology

When people think your life is easy
You are alone

When people think your life is hard
You are alone

Because they don’t understand
People do not understand 

What is there to be understood?
It is me who don’t understand
I can’t find the word for what I feel
I cannot tell
I cannot explain 
I cannot justify
I cannot be angry
I cannot make people understand

I cannot make you understand
I cannot make you feel what I feel 
I feel scared to feel 
I feel stupid to feel
I feel angry to feel
I feel guilty to feel

I am sorry

I don’t understand
And you don’t understand

When you don’t understand…
I have to pretend 

I feel alone
Even though I know you love me
But you don’t understand what I don’t understand
and I have to pretend
I am sorry

Loving you feel like a struggle
Writing this poem feel like a struggle
And now, just for a little while, I am tired
I am sorry….
I really do 

sorry

 

Melanie
Melbourne, 18 October 2008

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